The official website of Brandon Black.

Time Lords Don’t Masturbate

I don’t think Time Lords masturbate.

I don’t think they know how.

It seems to me that they’re SO technically proficient that even with a few parts lying around, a few odds and ends, they could whip up something to take the edge off as it were.

And even if they were on a totally primitive planet, as long as there was a species there they fancied, Gallifreyans are so charismatic, telepathic and even hypnotic that they could manage to convince someone (something?) to shag them.

Given that 99.999% of all Gallifreyans live their whole cycle of regenerations on Gallifrey, the most advanced planet in the universe and that almost all of those who do travel do it in ridiculously plush hyperadvanced time capsules, I don’t think Gallifreyans even know how to manually masturbate.

Oh, I’m sure they could work it out. I mean, if they witnessed a primitive species conducting it, I’m sure they could reverse engineer the procedure or even develop manual masturbation from first principles if they had to. I’m just betting they don’t.

“Research Log: Manual Masturbation Test 005. I’ve managed to isolate all the nerve clusters in my genitalia. However, successful masturbation still eludes me. I believe the secret lies in getting my fingers to oscillate at precisely the right frequen– oooohhhhh – ahhhhhhh – AAHHHHHH!! Oooo – OOOOOO! I SAY! I SAY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *long pause* Test successful.”

Wouldn’t it be funny if the galaxy’s FTL-capable civilizations all exist without masturbation?

Why worry if Time Teens are going to get each other pregnant or catch or spread social diseases? Just give them a Metamorphic Artificial Courtesan to while away the hours when they aren’t studying.

“Is your Isochronal Phase Mechanics homework complete young man? No using your pleasure gynoid until it’s finished!”

“But Mom…”

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if half the unknown artefacts in Torchwood’s possession turned out to be alien sex toys?

* * *

Fantasy, science fiction and steampunk author Brandon Black is the editor of New Orleans By Gaslight, a first of its kind anthology of steampunk and gaslamp fantasy poetry and fiction set in Victorian-era New Orleans. Brandon is also the web content manager for the Week in Geek, New Orleans’ favourite fantasy and science fiction themed radio talk show, every Saturday at 1 pm CST on WGSO 990 AM. Click here to check out Brandon’s ever-expanding list of published works.


2 responses

  1. Perhaps somewhere out there exists a “Warehouse 69” with a pair of identical large-breasted twin dominatrixes as the agents in charge of retrieving all manner of artifacts used galaxy-wide for sexual pleasuring one’s self or others…..In your dream big boy….in your dreams… Muhahahaha.


    May 10, 2015 at 9:14 pm

  2. charlaynedenney

    OMG, that is fabulous! Thanks for writing it.


    May 11, 2015 at 4:15 am